I didn't unfriend you out of frustration. it wasn't the message frequency. unfriending someone because they don't stalk your DMs isn't my style. it was the result of a culmination of feelings that I need to be honest with myself about. if you want to talk to me about it, it has to be real. no censorship, but also understand I don't have angry feelings. I'm not going to yell. I just want to cry.

you are a beloved part of my teenage life and early adult experiences. throughout that time, we've gone through ups and downs, and it's the downs that I've thought about for a long time.

I won't vaguepost. Here are the details:

you've told me that we don't have much in common. when we talk to each other, there's a distance that has never been closed. we share stories but you leave when the conversation is boring. I have to keep you interested by prodding for your side. your accomplishments. I calculate my responses to keep us friends.

I genuinely care about what you go through. I like the same games as you. I care about the same politics you do. I care about the people you tell me about. I care about your marriage. I worry for your safety in brazil.

when we talk about the past, my side of history is never considered. it's traumatic for me too, and what you think happened to me over the years isn't correct. for example, this is what happened with sheep and I:

after she broke up with mabel, there was an ever increasing divide between her, mabel, lug, and myself. both sheep and mabel wanted to talk. I didn't want things to get worse. I bounced between sheep and mabel, trying my hardest to help them out. I didn't want my two close friends to lose each other.

arguments broke out between mabel, lug, and I when I mentioned sheep - something I did my best to avoid. sometimes I had a dungeon to run or I already completed patch content with sheep, anrui, and beki. I wanted to run the content with mabel, too. unfortunately I didn't watch my sentences enough and triggered him. I felt terrible doing this to a friend. sheep would insult him, he would insult her, all understandably done.

over time we all separated, doing everything we could to avoid being in the same zone. fast forward a few months. I started getting involved with low view twitch streamers, mostly in the osu community. the channel I worked the most with was karstiris.

this is how we dated:

I was watching a bloodborne speedrun while chatting over discord. I finished drawing emotes for karstiris and wanted to chill. sheep and I were close with karst. we'd been in private calls with her and she even showed us her natural speaking (not trans training) voice. I thought karst was cute.

while watching the bloodborne speedrun, I was talking about karst streams and what game would be fun to watch. I talked about her a lot, simply because I was an artist for her stream and had fun contributing to a creator. before giving up on an art career, I wanted to draw full time for content creators.

sheep interrupted me to tell me I always talk about karst. she said she was jealous. I was taken aback. sheep was just my friend and while yes she's a cute girl, I didn't have feelings for her - she was just a dude. still, this was a difficult moment to navigate. I've had only negative experiences dating before her and was apprehensive to get into a relationship.

we dated and I was an unmedicated mess. I obsessed over her. in the end I had a mental breakdown at work and sent her a picture of my bloody arm after cutting it with a box cutter, captioned "I need help." we broke up.

when I've tried telling you this, it gets dismissed. then I'm told we have little in common. I play games with you and always fall behind due to my schedule, which is interpreted as a loss of interest, then added to the reasons we "don't have anything in common." it created a commitment complex with games. I can only get interested in a game if I know nobody else is playing it.
that happened with ffxi. I think the game is wonderful. playing it brought out the commitment complex. I stopped. I watch ffxi content all the time. I want to subscribe. I can't.

you aren't the only person I've gone through this with. I hope we can mitigate this trauma I feel. I hope you can understand even just a little bit. I hope you can understand why I'm always so wishy washy. why I'm always so sad. why I stay distant.

so now I'm sitting in my safe place. my void. I scream into the void. did you know I tweeted while attempting suicide? I don't expect you to know because I couldn't tell you.

https://x.com/osuchannsfw/status/1666575710310510592

https://x.com/osuchannsfw/status/1666837169225494528

I look at my friends and wonder where I am in their lives. I don't know where I am in my own life. when I scream into the void, the void echoes back. I can hear everyone on the other side of me. when I speak to the other side, I hear nothing. when I scream into the void, the void echoes back. am I supposed to be? I don't know. I never know. I'm always wrong. I do everything wrong. eeeeeeeverything wroooooooong. I want to erase myself.

I care for everyone too much. everything hurts me. I want to disappear. I want to disappear. I wwwaaaannnnttt ttototoooo ddiiissaappeeaarrrrr. poof. poof! vanish. I'm medicated. I should be okay, right? right...

I'm sorry.